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A nationally recognized author and codependency expert examines the roots of shame and its connection with codependent relationships. Learn how to heal from their destructive hold by implementing eight steps that will empower the real you, and lead to healthier relationships.
Shame: the torment you feel when you’re exposed, humiliated, or rejected; the feeling of not being good enough. It’s a deeply painful and universal emotion, yet is not frequently discussed. For some, shame lurks in the unconscious, undermining self-esteem, destroying confidence, and leading to codependency. These codependent relationships--where we overlook our own needs and desires as we try to care for, protect, or please another--often cover up abuse, addiction, or other harmful behaviors. Shame and codependency feed off one another, making us feel stuck, never able to let go, move on, and become the true self we were meant to be.
In Conquering Shame and Codependency, Darlene Lancer sheds new light on shame: how codependents’ feelings and beliefs about shame affect their identity, their behavior, and how shame can corrode relationships, destroying trust and love. She then provides eight steps to heal from shame, learn to love yourself, and develop healthy relationships.
- Sales Rank: #18743 in Books
- Published on: 2014-06-10
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.50" h x 5.25" w x .75" l, 1.26 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 248 pages
Review
“…If you begin to work through Lancer’s exercises on your own, you will likely gain self-knowledge. Think of the book as a launch point for eventually getting closer to your authentic self, rather than an immediate solution, and it may just help you with some codependency issues.”
--Megan Riddle, PsychCentral.com
“It would be a shame not to give this book a try.”
--Danielle Stewart, Afterpartychat.com
“I picked this book up so I could better understand codependency and the association of shame. In that, Lancer’s book fulfilled my need for knowledge. I was impressed with Lancer’s breadth of understanding, the self-examination exercises throughout, and the information being shared within these pages.”
--Nina Longfield, luxuryreading.com
“This book is definitely a worthy read as well as eye-opening in how shame toys and plays with us.”
--Svetlana’s Reads and Views, Svetla-randomblog.blogspot.com
“I will keep this book with the rest of my resources that I found invaluable. In fact, I recommend this book to pretty much everyone.”
--Literally Jen, literallyjen.com
“Conquering Shame and Codependency just might be a great companion to keep on your shelf.”
--Patricia’s Wisdom, patriciaswisdom.com
“Teachers, family therapists, and school counselors will find this a good reference in identifying factors and solutions for those they may be concerned with assisting; and for anyone who has experienced the negative effects shame can produce, this book are recommended reading.”
--My Bookshelf, shirley-mybookshelf.blogspot.com
“An eye-opener and a good food for thought read.”
--Bookish Ardour, bookishadour.com
"I recommend this book if you are going through a trying time and are looking for answers."
--Robyn Baldwin, robynbaldwin.com
About the Author
Darlene Lancer is a licensed marriage and family therapist with over 25 years of experience working with individuals and couples. She regularly gives seminars on self-esteem, relationships, codependency, and addiction.
Author of Codependency for Dummies, How to Speak Your Mind: Become Assertive and Set Limits, and 10 Steps to Self-Esteem, she has also published numerous articles as well as her own website, whatiscodependency.com. Darlene lives in Santa Monica CA.
Most helpful customer reviews
46 of 46 people found the following review helpful.
Well-Researched and Worth The Read
By Brian P.
Overall, this book is well-researched and has the not-so-obvious insights I enjoy when I invest the time for self-improvement. I would recommend this book to those who struggle with codependency issues and are having trouble putting their finger on “why”. Yes, it has to do with your childhood as most counselors will tell you, but this book shows how the “separation of self” actually occurs due to shame. The concepts are easy to digest, and it’s presented in a way that makes it easy to see how this might have happened in your life.
The book opens with a discussion on shame and how it underlies addiction. Shame is a natural part of life, but culture can shape how we use it. For example, in China shame is the beginning of integrity. But in the west, we tend not to share our shame in spite of the fact we sometimes never forget our shameful experiences. Nonetheless, we need to be fortified with coping skills to be resilient to shame. “Becoming independent and self-supporting is a milestone that, if not reached, can trigger a sense of failure for not meeting societal norms for success.”
The book explains that there’s a common confusion between shame and other things, likes shyness or guilt. Guilt, while perceived as negative, can actually be an indicator of something that needs corrected. The difference is that while guilt is awareness that SOMETHING WE DID WAS WRONG, shame is a belief that there’s SOMETHING WRONG WITH US.
We also learn in Chapter 1 that too much shame, or shame about the “wrong” things, sabotages relationships and can lead to anti-social behavior, addiction, and codependency. And when shame becomes chronic, it can take over our identity and our ability to enjoy life, chipping away at the trust we have in the world and ourselves. It’s the feeling of being a bad or unworthy person. Chronic shame no longer needs an external event to be triggered. This is when shame becomes a paralyzing problem.
“Whatever we feel ashamed of, at its foundation is an often unconscious belief of inferiority or unacceptability – of being unlovable.”
Another statement that rang true for me is that we imagine others see and judge us as we judge ourselves. Often we think people are judging us or judging our loved ones when they’re not. It’s reminiscent of Don Miguel Ruiz’ The Four Agreements, the second of which is Don’t Make Assumptions.
In later chapters, the author describes the effect that chronic shame has on the developing self. Essentially, if parts of us are denied, rejected, ignored, or invalidated, or if we go through a traumatic event, we may cope by creating unreal identities (Ideal Self) which we then try to actualize instead of actualizing our True Self.
Our True Self thrives in warmth, nurturing, and affirmation, When we don’t receive these things, our True Self recedes and becomes overshadowed by shame which we internalize over time. “Our ideal self reflects on how we think we should be in order to survive in the family, but instead of protecting our real self, the ideal self further alienates us from who we really are….” “From childhood onward, the Critic expects the unattainable by insisting that we suppress authentic feelings and traits that conflict with our internal ideal. We conform to who it thinks we should be and what it believes we should feel, think, do, and need.”
The interesting correlation the book draws is how this shame and separation of self actually precipitates codependency.
“The codependent self is out of touch with the real self. A codependent is someone who can’t function from his or her innate self, but organizes thinking and behavior around another person(s) success, process, or substance; whether addicted to a person, a process (such as gambling or sex), or a substance (such as food, drugs, or alcohol), they all share symptoms and characteristics. The difference is the object(s) of a person’s dependency. Codependency is a disease of a lost self, depriving us of vitality, spontaneity, and self-fulfillment.”
There’s also discussion about intergenerational codependency; it happens especially when one or both parents were codependent. Neglected parents often become overinvolved, and parents that are controlled become too permissive. As a consequence children develop codependent problem around autonomy, boundaries and / or self-trust.
When we deny shame instead of integrating it, it gets triggered and we become vulnerable to getting entrenched in it. We might act out, withdraw, become aggressive, project, or avoid altogether, but the shame doesn’t go away.
Part of Chapter 3 discuss how we cope with this downward shame-spiral, namely by adopting specific personality types, and for codependents, the pervading personality type is called The Accommodator. Those who are addicted to love, romance, or relationships closely resemble the stereotypical codependent. “Accommodators yearn for happiness and validation with one significant person with whom they can merge to finally achieve wholeness.” They don’t believe they have rights, and feel guilty stating their needs, of which they’re mostly unaware. This denial of self-interest and fear of conflict and abandonment makes setting boundaries extremely difficult for Accommodators, which allows others to easily abuse and exploit them.
This section explains why codependents express their frustration through passive-aggressiveness rather than directness, because they, “are usually reliving the experience of being shamed as a child, enacted by a partner whom they see as their parent. Emotionally trapped in their past, they’re unable to access their power as an adult, further stunting their ability to assert and protect themselves and stop the abuse. Instead, to keep peace, they placate, appease, and communicate indirectly in ways that are dishonest, manipulative, and passive-aggressive. Their aggression is directed at themselves and is expressed indirectly toward others through control, criticism, complaints, and passive manipulation.”
In the process of healing, the codependent must drop his or her external focus, which often results in emptiness, since she was used to getting validation, attention or recognition from the outside. There’s suddenly a void, a void formerly filled by drama, and just as an addict faces the loss of his drug of choice, the codependent faces a lack of meaning.
To move passed this, “The objective is to voluntarily experience the emptiness that occurs by intentionally not trying to escape despair. Abandon hope as well… and allow a humbling powerlessness to occur.” This forces a person to get something from herself and get less from the outside. Once expectations are more aligned with reality, change can happen.
Meditation was mentioned as a healthy exercise to start getting more aligned. I’m always interested to see this technique mentioned as I read books on the topic, as I came to the same conclusion on my own years ago. Of course, if feelings are too intense to process on your own, the author recommends seeking professional help.
As one faces the void of emptiness after giving up external focus, there are a host of common issues they may come upon, such lack of self-trust, feeling unimportant, guilt or anxiety, perfectionism, various forms of controlling, the “tyranny of the shoulds”. With some searching, one finds that these issues are largely due to the Inner Critic. Once one can “examine and release the Critics’s admonishments, their energy returns, their mood lifts, and their real self is free to enjoy the present.”
At the end, the author lays out an 8-step process for recovery. The steps involve increasing self-awareness to connect with the True Self, processing one’s shame, and build self-esteem and self-love.
Again, I found this book full of insight and overall it's a great read!
25 of 25 people found the following review helpful.
Lancer's landmark book examines the root of shame and its connection with codependency. It offers tools for healing from shame.
By Terry Gaspard
Darlene Lancer's breakthrough book sheds new light on the complicated topic of shame - an often misunderstood emotion. It offers eight key steps to heal from shame, learn self-love, and begin the journey of developing healthy relationships. While everyone deals with shame, not many people understand it or acknowledge it. Even though we might not share our stories of experiencing shame - we have vivid memories of them and they leave an imprint.
I agree with Lancer that shame is often silent and self-inflicted - yet still has a powerful impact. Many individuals suffer silently and needlessly because they lack self-worth - so don't allow themselves to be vulnerable and trust intimate partners due to fear of rejection. Shame can cause us to stay stuck in unhealthy relationship patterns if we don't heal from it.
I found this book informative because I grew up in a dysfunctional, divorced family and have experienced shame but never understood how it contributed to my codependent tendencies. After all, self-awareness is the first step in the process of change. It will also provide a valuable resource for my clients who have endured the divorce experience and often feel shamed and powerless to move on with their lives. This book is an excellent resource for both mental health providers and the general public.
Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW
Therapist, writer, college instructor
33 of 36 people found the following review helpful.
Conquer Codependency, Conquer Shame, Get on with Your True Self
By Jackie Paulson
Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You by Darlene Lancer talks about:
1. The shame experience
2. Shame and Identity
3. Escaping Shame
4. Emptiness
5. Shame and Symptoms of codependency
6. Love's Silent Killer
7. Sexual Shame
8. 8 Steps to Free Your true self
The Introduction is a true account of how the author attended an Al-Alnon program in 1979, and she did not trust or value herself or even know who she was "outside the roles she played each day." I think this is an experience most women encounter and we need to get off the treadmill of people pleasing and get back in touch with our feelings and stop people pleasing. Yes, steps to get over codependency.
I loved the chart on page 124:
Codependent relationships:
* Intense attraction
* Idealize each other and ignore difference
* Fall in love and make commitments
* Get to know each other
* Become disappointed
* Cling to romantic fantasy of love
* Try to change partner into ideas
* Feel resentful and unloved
That did it for me, because then you learn how to become whole and have healthy relationships. The information in this book was beyond my expectations, and I learned more about shame and how it can stem from childhood onto adulthood. This is my top ten list of favorites for 2014. © 2014 Jackie Paulson
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